As I grow and reflect on my previous relationships, I’ve been able to learn a lot about myself. Whether it be romantic or platonic, a relationship is a two-way street. A lot of people will remain trapped in the same relationship patterns their whole lives because they are unwilling to admit the role they played in the relationship and to learn from it.
It’s common discourse today to hate your ex. When people are no longer in our lives, especially if we’ve been hurt by them, it is much easier for us to create a narrative in our minds that they suck. Even though you did love this person at one point- we feel the permanence of the loss and choose to avoid those feelings of grief by deflecting blame outwards. It is certainly okay to be mad at the other person, to not ever want to see them again, and even to hate them. However, if we place all the blame on this person and sum up the bad relationship to be entirely their fault, you will never learn or grow, and you will likely attract the same dynamic over again.
Example: Your ex best friend was constantly putting you down and trying to control you. You tell yourself that you hope you never find a friend like that again and place all the blame on her. It is okay to blame her for her own behavior, but what about your behavior? What is inside of you that you allowed yourself to be treated that way? What insecurities did she tug on that got such an emotional reaction out of you?
THE MIRROR, THE WINDOW, THE DOOR
I have seen a theory on TikTok a few times now that the people who walk into your life are a reflection of your relationship with yourself. “Everyone you meet is either a mirror, window, or a door.”
The Mirror is somebody who walks into your life to completely mirror to you all the parts of yourself that need healing. These are the people who awaken something lying dormant deeply within you. They will show you your triggers, your fears, your insecurities. This will usually be a tumultuous relationship that is teaching you to look within.
The window is someone who walks in to show you something different. They don't quite exactly check every single box, but they are definitely a step up from what you’re used to. They open your eyes to possibility and a way of being that you may not have known existed. These are the people we usually try to change. We like them, but not all of them. We think we can “fix” this person, not realizing they are already exactly who they are supposed to be, they’re just not our person.
The door is the opportunity that you step through. The Door only opens when you do the healing work. You have to invest all your energy into you. Be so committed to yourself and to your own personal growth, and then you will be handed the key. Personal growth resembles finally being okay on your own. Not waiting for anyone to come save you because you are saving yourself.
If we take this one step further, we can see that everyone is actually a mirror. Everything you see in others, exists in you, or else you wouldn’t be able to see it. As described above, the mirror is someone who shows you your deepest wounds. Wounds that due to your conditioning, you don’t even realize you are living through. All your decisions are based on what you “should” do, not what you actually want to do.
The window comes when you have smashed the mirror and you are left with the shards, not entirely understanding how to put them together, but you know you are ready to. You have accepted that you have healing to do, and the window provides inspiration to do it.
The door is the person who stays. At every single point of the journey, you are seeing yourself. The door is you seeing all the love you have for yourself, be fully reflected back at you. All the love, from just the right person, because you finally did the work and stopped accepting less than what you deserve.
Reflection exercises:
Reflect on your past relationships:
Were there any patterns or recurring issues in this relationship that I've seen in other relationships?
How have I grown and changed as a result of this relationship?
Were there any warning signs or red flags I ignored?
Reflect on current relationships:
How do I feel when I am with this person and after I leave?
How does this relationship align with my current and future goals?
Am I communicating my needs and boundaries effectively in this relationship?
All of the people we form relationships within our lives serve as mirrors or guideposts. They direct and redirect us; they show us where we've been and where we're going. Throughout this exploration of reflecting on past and present relationships, we uncover another layer of self-awareness. Every interaction, every conversation, and every moment spent with others has the potential to shape our lives. Through reflection and intentional action, we can build more meaningful and enriching connections.
Sources:
Balao, N. (2023, April 25). The Mirror, window, and door: One woman breaks down the different types of “people that walk into your life.” In The Know. https://www.intheknow.com/post/the-mirror-window-and-door-one-woman-breaks-down-the-different-types-of-people-that-walk-into-your-life/
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